"You must You must think I'm strong To give me what I'm going through Well, forgive me Forgive me if I'm wrong But this looks like more than I can do On my own I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be I give up I'm not strong enough Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough Strong enough For the both of us" - Mattew West
"When I am weak, then I am strong" - The Apostle Paul
I sometimes feel like I am suffocating for no apparent reason. It's an overwhelming feeling, that is very much associated to panic and anxiety. It stems from my past...being sexually abused in preschool, sexually assaulted in 8th grade and then raped my sophomore year of high school.
I struggle with fear of my physical safety and that fear manifests itself physically all too often. As a child, I ran to my daddy's arms for safety, but could never stay there, and now am too far away to even try and there is no one here to hold me when I'm scared...and I can't feel God's arms.
I struggle with anxiety and it comes with a price...I struggle with an eating disorder. One I've never told anyone about, because I fear what people would do if they knew.
A friend posted about her eating disorder a while ago, and I admired her boldness and felt challenged to be bold myself.
Please pray for me.
I recently moved, and this move has not really made it worse, but it, and my trip to Japan this summer has made me much more aware of how much control I try to keep from God. When I am afraid, (which is most of the time, and more so now that I live 800 miles away from all I've ever known and have a high stress job), I react most often with sin. I choose to control my food instead of running to God, or I run to God but do not leave my fears completely at his feet and then go and control my food.
Bulimia is not something one can just walk away from, and it's a battle I'm in the midst of. For some reason, I do not see myself the way God does. I see an ugly, over weight, inhuman tool for the use and aid of actual human beings. I am sure these lies stemmed from my abuse in preschool, but knowing that hasn't changed their power over me.
"I can do all things Through Christ who gives me strength And I don't have to be Strong enough Strong enough I can do all things Through Christ who gives me strength And I don't have to be Strong enough Strong enough" -Matthew West
I am fighting the lies Satan has been telling me my whole life, and I am learning that I don't have to be self-sufficient (self sufficient is just another word for prideful...and "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."). I am also trying to learn to trust what I cannot feel...and that is the truth that God will keep me safe. I do not need your pity, or concern, but I do ask for your awareness and your prayer. If you have any good verses about security in God, or ways you feel, physically feel, safe with God, please let me know.
I am also here if you have any questions about eating disorders, or any similar topic (I also have a past with self-injury). I want to be a resource for those who don't understand, so they can help others in their struggle.
Thanks for your time.
