from Google Images (not my own picture).
Today was a hard day.
This week's been a hard week.
Really, things have just been hard for months and each time I think I've finally got a grasp, it just gets harder. I've cried so much this season, and in the last 2 weeks it's only grown worse. I've spent time in the last few months asking God all the "whys" and the "whens" I can. I've struggled in silence as He has sat holding my hand, but not talking to me. I've fought Him and yelled at Him as He held me close, but did not yield to my demands.
I've been lost, I've been desperate and I've neglected the cross. I know the story in my head, but I stubbornly, and oh so sinfully, have been believing in "Jesus and..."
Jesus...and a baby for my barren friends.
Jesus...and a wife for many of my guy friends.
Jesus...and a husband for me and my girl friends.
Things kept getting harder and harder and harder...until they finally broke all the lies and landed me back on a solid foundation.
Yesterday a dear child in my life was diagnosed with stage IV Neuroblastoma. Last week I was sitting with her parents when they were told the devastating diagnosis of Cancer. Most people would fail and demand to know where God is in all of it...but though I did get angry, and I still don't understand...
I know who my God is.
I know He is GOOD, LOVING, MERCIFUL, POWERFUL.
I know He is UNCHANGING. And I know
HE DIED TO SET ME FREE...
and at the end of it all that's all I need.
If Colorado burns to the ground. If my friends never have babies. If I never ever get married. If everyone suddenly decides to stop being my friend and I am all alone...I'm still not all alone and I have a hope that no one and nothing can take from me.
True, I have a God I can ask for good things from (and He wants me to ask these things), but at the end of the day I need to know what my God really has to offer, and it isn't just stuff...I have a hidden treasure, and an undying hope.
Today as I was talking on the phone outside I saw another hummingbird. I see hummingbirds all the time out here...Small animals, powerful, and awe inspiring. God created them to remind me of His glory (well not just me), but I cannot look at one without thinking of God and His Splendid Majesty.
I am under a wing much larger and much more stable...God is my Treasure, the darkness cannot win. Even though sometimes it feels like it. In the darkness, in the shadows it can feel like He's small and like He's losing the battle and I will soon be crushed. But I just have to remember that sometimes that shadow is just his wing...and man, his wings are big!! And that wing shelters me from the fiery arrows just as much as they do from the fullness of His own splendor. He protects me from anything I cannot bear.
These trials I am going through, the pain my friends are experiencing. They are good. They are enough, not too much...and we will all come out on the other side stronger and with bigger faith. And while things will still suck, bug decisions will have to be made, prayers may still seem to go unheard, and it all may seem unbearably hard...
My God's got me and He will not leave me nor forsake me.
