Decade...

It's February 14th. To most Americans that simply means Valentine's Day...or Single Awareness Day to the more cynical. I've always thought it was a rather silly holiday. If you love someone you should tell and show them that more than just one special day each year. Call me cynical, unromantic, lame, whatever, but Valentine's Day has always been slightly nauseating to me.

Ten years ago, though, February 14th became something more to me, and I will never be the same.

I was raped.

The details don't matter. It just matters that it happened. I am still broken. It's been an entire decade and I still don't feel safe, or whole. I was robbed that night, and I may never get back what was lost...at least not on earth...

But God promises blessing. A friend posted about this song on her blog and I am so grateful she did, because I needed it right about now... here's the line that hits my heart...

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

(Sara Groves "Open My Hands")

I don't know why I am one of the ones who has to know this agonizing pain...but I do know that I am not alone in it. So many of the women I know have it. God didn't allow it to break me beyond repairing,  to spite me, or to turn me into an unlovable shell.

Make no mistake, God allowed it, and He allowed it for my good and for my salvation. I am His beautifully protected one, and I was being protected even that day. He withholds no good thing from us, and for me it was good...God's definition of good, not man's...And one day I will be blessed and healed. One day He will hold me and I will finally feel safe again and He will wipe every tear from my eye.

I wanted to write this to remind those of you out there that this happens. It happens to good people and bad people, to people who love Jesus and people who never will. But it happens all the time and it doesn't mean God is less good or less sovereign. It just means He has that much more to fix. Adam and Eve caused this when they chose to disobey God and use their free will for selfish gain. But one day He will make it right. He started with the cross (the highest price one could ever pay) and will finish with a triumphant return and a big feast for all who believe on His name.

I am His and He is mine. I do not deserve His good or His healing, but I have it, simply because He is Good and He is LOVE...my pain is real and is hard, but is not disqualifying. I still get Heaven. What pain are you experiencing? What rewards are there for you in it?

I am here if you have questions, or need to talk. It's a weighty topic, that isn't discussed much...and it's one Christians especially need to understand...though I wish no one did.

Reality Check

I follow all the rules

well, at least I try to
Hoping when my days are through
You'll be pleased

I've lived the longest days
Thinking my heart would soon be had
Too scared to look in your face
Oh, if only I had

[Bridge:]
And is it alright
If I stay here all night
By the shoreline

[Chorus:]
I cannot believe you are angry or unjust
You've done nothing but have compassion on us
So be near me when I've given up
Be near me

I'm just like everyone else
We are all hiding
Acting like I have a wealth
Of knowledge and peace

But all I've ever wanted
And what men have given their lives for
Is a God who understands my weaknesses
A God that I can love

[Bridge]

[Chorus]

I believe you are good and righteous
You've given me your reckless love
So be near, be near...

These are the lyrics to Be Near Me by Bethany Dillon (with changes I make in my head when I hear it)...I've been listening to it on repeat this month, and I am so grateful that people out there are blessed to write music from the heart for God.

See, I am almost 26 and I am still single. I am in the middle of the desert and the chances of getting married this year..or next year for that matter...are pretty low. Not a big deal, unless you know me and know that all I ever claim to have wanted is to be a wife and mother. Some days, especially lately, out here in the midst of unbelievable loneliness, it's hard to believe that God really is as good as He claims to be in the Bible. But I love this song, because it rings to the heart of that crisis...because all God has done for me is give me grace and compassion.

I know that no matter what happens I have God's compassion and that He is with me. I am not alone in the middle of this desert and I will never be alone, even if I move to a foreign country and leave all my friends and family behind.

At almost 26, it's time to actually look at things and realize what it is I am after...because it's not marriage. If I wanted to get married, I could go out to clubs, or go to online dating sites, I could call old friends or manipulate situations...but see, what I'm really after is a God I love. I want His glory and will not settle for less than His best for me.

God's best doesn't always mean my happiness, or freedom from pain. That's not how God roles...See God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to bear the weight of sin (and in fact become sin) for me. Jesus came and did that out of love and He died for it. My pain is nothing compared to that agony...But God in His goodness, revived Jesus and now Jesus has right to lay any and all sin on his death, giving those who give up their sin, a free ride into Heaven.

As one who has laid my sin at Christ's feet, I now have the joy and privilege of sharing what He has done with the world...and one way in doing that is by sharing in Christ's suffering

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer." 

- 2 Cor 1:3-6

I do not always get sunshine and roses, because Jesus didn't and He wants to save and comfort as many as possible before His triumphant return...and how can I comfort, and why would I comfort, unless I understood the pain. 

And hey, the pay off is out of this world!

Status Quo...

I have been wanting to write a post about this for a while, but haven't had time. I don't even know what to say, or where to start...so I guess I'll start here...

"The status is not quo" - Dr. Horrible

I know, ridiculous quote...but hang with me for a minute...as Christians, we should be fighting to be set apart...we should not accept the status quo, because it isn't really the status quo, baby. God gave us a different standard to abide by!

One thing that I feel Christians have settled for media's status quo and  drives me absolutely up a wall is when we do not respect our men enough to call them MEN. A man has responsibility and authority and boys need help wiping their nose. Men are strong and can be turned to for help in hard things. If you know someone who has authority and you call on them for help in a hard thing. I challenge you to call them a man (to their face and when you talk about them to others)....Love builds up  (1 Cor. 8)...

I heard a story once of a couple who got in a HUGE argument, and the wife yelled "I don't want you to be one of those men who....(continue rant for several minutes)" and then the wife went to her room and slammed the door. A few minutes later the husband opened the door and simply said "Thank you for calling me a man"

Not all men care what title you give them...but enough do. So why wouldn't you take the time to cover your bases and make a difference where one can be made?

No, men do not always make the choices we would like them to as women...but that can go both ways sister. You still want your man to call you beautiful even if you choose to wear sweat pants and skip the shower for the day....because you are....they are still men even when they do dangerous or ridiculous things...right?

 Any way, thanks for listening. I would love to hear what other things you think we are missing the mark in and probably haven't even thought about...

Suffocating

"You must  You must think I'm strong To give me what I'm going through Well, forgive me Forgive me if I'm wrong But this looks like more than I can do On my own I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be I give up I'm not strong enough Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough Strong enough For the both of us" - Mattew West


"When I am weak, then I am strong" - The Apostle Paul

I sometimes feel like I am suffocating for no apparent reason. It's an overwhelming feeling, that is very much associated to panic and anxiety. It stems from my past...being sexually abused in preschool, sexually assaulted in 8th grade and then raped my sophomore year of high school.

I struggle with fear of my physical safety and that fear manifests itself physically all too often. As a child, I ran to my daddy's arms for safety, but could never stay there, and now am too far away to even try and there is no one here to hold me when I'm scared...and I can't feel God's arms.

I struggle with anxiety and it comes with a price...I struggle with an eating disorder. One I've never told anyone about, because I fear what people would do if they knew.

A friend posted about her eating disorder a while ago, and I admired her boldness and felt challenged to be bold myself. 


Please pray for me. 

I recently moved, and this move has not really made it worse, but it, and my trip to Japan this summer has made me much more aware of how much control I try to keep from God. When I am afraid, (which is most of the time, and more so now that I live 800 miles away from all I've ever known and have a high stress job), I react most often with sin. I choose to control my food instead of running to God, or I run to God but do not leave my fears completely at his feet and then go and control my food.

Bulimia is not something one can just walk away from, and it's a battle I'm in the midst of. For some reason, I do not see myself the way God does. I see an ugly, over weight, inhuman tool for the use and aid of actual human beings. I am sure these lies stemmed from my abuse in preschool, but knowing that hasn't changed their power over me.

"I can do all things Through Christ who gives me strength And I don't have to be Strong enough Strong enough I can do all things Through Christ who gives me strength And I don't have to be Strong enough Strong enough" -Matthew West

I am fighting the lies Satan has been telling me my whole life, and I am learning that I don't have to be self-sufficient (self sufficient is just another word for prideful...and "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."). I am also trying to  learn to trust what I cannot feel...and that is the truth that God will keep me safe. I do not need your pity, or concern, but I do ask for your awareness and your prayer. If you have any good verses about security in God, or ways you feel, physically feel, safe with God, please let me know. 

I am also here if you have any questions about eating disorders, or any similar topic (I also have a past with self-injury). I want to be a resource for those who don't understand, so they can help others in their struggle.

Thanks for your time. 

Fields worth fighting for...

"But he took his stand 

in the midst of the plot 

and defended it 

and struck down the Philistines, 

and the LORD worked a great victory." 

- 2 Samuel 23:12

This verse is referring to one of David's Mighty Men - Shammah.

My pastor mentioned this story in his sermon yesterday...if you know me, you know that I LOVE the old testament and Samuel is one of my favorite books. This is a story I have enjoyed because of the valiant effort and strength of David's mighty men. But I had never thought of it the way my pastor talked about it before and I think it's a valuable topic of discussion given the many conversations I've had recently.

Shammah likely stood his ground on that plot of ground because it was a field of lentils that he wasn't willing to give up. He dug in his heels and fought for something he knew was very valuable (you must have food to feed an army after all), even when everyone else was running away. The verse before this one talks about how all the other men he was with ran away, so Shammah defended this plot alone.

My pastor was talking about how we need to stand our ground instead of fleeing from Satan. It was an amazing and memorable sermon, sadly we do not record things here...but it got me thinking...

What fields are worth me fighting for in today's war...and I'm talking about the spiritual realms war that all who profess Christ are engaged in whether they acknowledge it or not...

People. God's people are the Church, the Body and they are the ones who get to go to Heaven. Loving and defending people should be the field we dig into and refuse to settle for defeat in. I know there are more, and even specific fields within that topic. Like men, women, children, gender roles, etc...but the general line is people. And people must be fought for... 

...no matter the exhaustion (like Gideon)...

"And Gideon came to the 

Jordan and crossed over, 

he and the 300 men were with him, 

exhausted yet pursuing."

- Judges 8:4

...no matter the pain (like Paul)...

"You yourselves know how I lived among you the whole time from the first day that I set foot in Asia, serving the Lord with all humility and with tears and with trials that happened to me through the plots of the Jews; how I did not shrink from declaring to you anything that was profitable, and teaching you in public and from house to house, testifying both to Jews and to Greeks of repentance toward God and of faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. And now, behold, I am going to Jerusalem, constrained by the Spirit, not knowing what will happen to me there, except that the Holy Spirit testifies to me in every city that imprisonment and afflictions await me. But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God." 

- Acts 20:18-24

...no matter the price (like Jesus)...

"who, though he was in the form of God, 

did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,

 but made himself nothing, 

taking the form of a servant,

being born in the likeness of men.

And being found in human form, 

he humbled himself by becoming 

obedient to the point of death,

even death on a cross." 

-Phillipians 2:6-8

but like this verse says:

"Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, 

act like men, be strong.

Let all that you do be done in love."

- 1 Cor 16:13-14  

This battle must be fought with constant vigil, a deep rooted faith and intense spurs on our shoes to dig us into our ground. We must act like men, no matter how we feel or what the challenge is that lies ahead, and be strong no matter how scary things look. 

"But the Lord GOD helps me;

therefore I have not been disgraced; 

therefore I have set my face like a flint,

and I know that I shall not be put to shame."

-Isaiah 50:7

All the while, we cannot lose sight of Christ, God the Father, who is Love and came that they may have life. We are fighting for LOVE and you cannot do that alone. Vigil cannot be kept constantly by one person, he will fall asleep eventually, but with a rotating guard, there is no wearying...strength can be found in numbers (Ecc. 4:12)...and it's hard to know what a man should act like if you aren't around any...and pointless to be strong if there is no one to be strong for...and love doesn't work alone...

"By this all people will know 

that you are my disciples, 

if you have love for one another."

- John 13:35

So any way, church was good yesterday...and I am gonna stand my ground here...I'm diggin' in...where are you gonna dig in?

Submission and the art of being a sack of potatoes...

(picture found on google images...it is not my picture)

Just got back from riding on the back of a motorcycle, for the second time in my life...I think I need to start doing it more and here's why...

On the back of a motorcycle your entire goal is to trust the driver, act like a sack of potatoes and enjoy the ride...reminds me a lot of this beautiful thing women get to do with their husbands, i.e. submission. Pretending to be a 'sack of potatoes' is fun, because you don't have the responsibility or worry of steering, but your 'weight' is still a factor that must be taken into account when maneuvering. In my analogy, a sack of potatoes has a voice and matters very much to the driver...because in real life, that's how submission works.

Submission is beautiful because it allows the husband to lead, and the wife to support him. Either way you ride, the woman has a say in how the journey goes:
     We can either be fearful and cling hard to the man, squelching his breath and making him despise the ride. We can fight every turn and curve and change in speed making it hard for the man to control the wheel...
     Or we can hold on for stability, encourage our man, enjoy the view and take the turns as they come, knowing that they are protecting you and God's got you both. When you are nervous, you can hold on a little tighter, pull yourself a little closer and let him (and God) know you are scared. It's all in how you communicate and how you handle the coming road.

I am not married, and am struggling enough with submission as a single, so I'm not saying I've figured it out, but both times I've been on the back of a bike, I've seen how beautiful it can be when done in quiet trust and I will strive to live it out now, and all the more when God gives me that one man to lead the rest of my life.

When you are not a 'sack of potatoes' not only does it make things harder on the driver, but it puts your life at risk and causes you to miss out on the beautiful scenery.


Don't miss out on the beautiful scenery, there's too much beauty to see.

Hoping on a prayer...

So, I don't really have a lot to update you on...

I spent the week of the 4th of July in AZ visiting my future home and all my friends out there. It was great to be there, and I really enjoyed the 105 degree weather (I am a sun bunny...not a snow bunny, it's official).

As soon as I got back I went to NE to visit my Grams with my dad. It was her birthday and her computer was broken, so it was a 2 in 1 trip, and I have to say it's the best part of being unemployed...I actually have time to see people!

But all the while, my heart has remained in Japan. Orion came back a few days after us, thus making my return less possible at least immediately. I have many contacts out there and based on Orion's decision and the decision 2 of my pastors are making, I may be going back until mid-October.

Please be praying that the lot of us would hear God clearly above all the rest of the voices in this world (including our own). I want to go back and reap a harvest for the Lord and plant more seeds for future teams, but God is moving mountains in Arizona as well and if my leaders decide I should go there without a pit stop to Japan I will follow...please pray my heart would engage quickly if that's the case.

So, there's the random babble, known as an update.

Thanks for your faithful reading and prayer over my life. It's a tumultuous time and I am so very thankful for it.