Masks

...I am a master of masks. I love them and relish the security and control I find in being behind one. 


I have many, but my favorite, the one I wear most often is 

"the cheerleader". 

When I wear this mask,
               I am enthusiastic, 
                           encouraging and                                                  supportive. 


It's who I would be if I weren't a wreck...so it's who I pretend to be when I am. It's the character quality people comment on most about me. In fact "the cheerleader" is people's favorite thing about me...and I am a people pleaser to the core. 


Besides (Who wants to see me cry anyway?)


These masks are great... but sometimes things get hard. Real hard. and I need support, I need more. I need someone to hold me like they'll never let go and let me cry. 


Sometimes my mask adds to my suffocation (and maybe even my hearing problem)...but I'm too scared to let go. 


If I'm not the cheerleader...who am I? (And how will crying fix anything anyway?)


My last 2 posts have been a vain effort to convince myself of real actual Truth, and to put on a face for those around me, so they won't see how deep those struggles actually go.


I've been fighting silence, lies, demons, flashbacks and identity issues to no avail. The truth is that I am not what I pretend to be and I desperately want to be. I am trying to kill dreams and find freedom from my chains and despite it all I've gotten more tangled. The truth is that I am a useless wreck in a place and time where it's not safe to be one.


This "beautifully protected" princess, is really an ugly, exposed and rejected beggar. I am on guard all the time, waiting for it all to fall apart, or for the imminent assault (either will confirm my fears)...and 
                I am exhausted from it. 


So, there's the truth. 


Would you please pray for me? 


Pray that I would be able to take off this mask...That I would find a safe place to do so and that I would hear from God, and see and believe the Truth I need and that He would fix me. Pray for the tears, for the battle of overcoming fears and unbelief, and please pray for the safe shoulder for me to cry on...they're aren't many available in this desert. 

Confession...

It's after 11pm and I am sitting alone in a mostly dark house. I turn 26 next week and I am still single...and I am a hypocrite.

I have a dear (amazing, intelligent, compassionate and beautiful) friend who believes she cannot/will not ever get married. She believes this because she has been told by the world that it is so. I of course being on the outside, know that the world is stupid and those are all ridiculous lies (and I will be there at her wedding with bells on and the biggest smile in the room, proving the world it's worthless and wrong)...

But at the very same time I believe in her so much, I doubt myself more. I have spent the last year trying to kill within myself the one and only dream I've ever really had, because I've been told I am less than desirable.

I long to be a wife and mother, and I don't know how to stop wanting that..and I don't know how to see God's Truth in the battle.

I believe the world, and each day the world is proven true I bite on the lie a little bit more. I know I don't deserve a husband. I am not worthy of love...but that's what Jesus died for. He is where my worth comes from...He is where my beauty and purity comes from. The world tells me I am too ugly, too fat, too stupid, too sick, too broken....in essence, too worthless...God tells me He made me whole again, gave me an immeasurable worth, that He will give me wisdom and that He will heal me.

I don't need to be loved by any man, I am loved by the King of Kings and the Creator of the stars.

I have been struggling so much with this month, because it marks another lonely year past and in all reality, another to come...but see, that's just a lie. The God of Heaven is with me right now, and I will never be alone. When I think about the Creator of the stars giving His own life up, just so we can be together in Heaven...it's a pretty silly sounding lie.

Silence

I have dreams. 
                 I have hopes.
                                     I have desires and longings. 
I have prayers and requests.


I also have an intercessor who speaks to the Lord and Creator of the universe on my behalf. 


I am blessed.   


Lately, though, I have not been hearing back. 
                                             All that has been coming from God is...silence.


I don't do silence. 


                    I have a noise maker on as I sleep. 
                                     I have music on as I drive.
I have a movie on in the background right now. 


I am struggling in this silence, but the truth is that I am still being heard...

"Know that the LORD has set apart his faithful servant for himself;

the LORD hears when I call to him."

-Psalm 4:3

"In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly." -Psalm 5:3

"You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry," -Psalm 10:7

Yet, despite being heard, and despite sincere cries for mercy, healing,  guidance and love...silence. I am baffled. So when I am baffled, I turn to my resource to Heaven, Life and God's glory, and I found this...

"keep yourselves in God’s love 

as you wait for the mercy 

of our Lord Jesus Christ 

to bring you to eternal life." 

- Jude 1:21

So, if you think of it...pray for me that I would keep myself in God's love as I wait for mercy and for Heaven. Pray that I would be able to let go of my dreams and open my ears and hands to all that God has in store. This is a hard season and I want to finish strong.

Decade...

It's February 14th. To most Americans that simply means Valentine's Day...or Single Awareness Day to the more cynical. I've always thought it was a rather silly holiday. If you love someone you should tell and show them that more than just one special day each year. Call me cynical, unromantic, lame, whatever, but Valentine's Day has always been slightly nauseating to me.

Ten years ago, though, February 14th became something more to me, and I will never be the same.

I was raped.

The details don't matter. It just matters that it happened. I am still broken. It's been an entire decade and I still don't feel safe, or whole. I was robbed that night, and I may never get back what was lost...at least not on earth...

But God promises blessing. A friend posted about this song on her blog and I am so grateful she did, because I needed it right about now... here's the line that hits my heart...

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

(Sara Groves "Open My Hands")

I don't know why I am one of the ones who has to know this agonizing pain...but I do know that I am not alone in it. So many of the women I know have it. God didn't allow it to break me beyond repairing,  to spite me, or to turn me into an unlovable shell.

Make no mistake, God allowed it, and He allowed it for my good and for my salvation. I am His beautifully protected one, and I was being protected even that day. He withholds no good thing from us, and for me it was good...God's definition of good, not man's...And one day I will be blessed and healed. One day He will hold me and I will finally feel safe again and He will wipe every tear from my eye.

I wanted to write this to remind those of you out there that this happens. It happens to good people and bad people, to people who love Jesus and people who never will. But it happens all the time and it doesn't mean God is less good or less sovereign. It just means He has that much more to fix. Adam and Eve caused this when they chose to disobey God and use their free will for selfish gain. But one day He will make it right. He started with the cross (the highest price one could ever pay) and will finish with a triumphant return and a big feast for all who believe on His name.

I am His and He is mine. I do not deserve His good or His healing, but I have it, simply because He is Good and He is LOVE...my pain is real and is hard, but is not disqualifying. I still get Heaven. What pain are you experiencing? What rewards are there for you in it?

I am here if you have questions, or need to talk. It's a weighty topic, that isn't discussed much...and it's one Christians especially need to understand...though I wish no one did.

Reality Check

I follow all the rules

well, at least I try to
Hoping when my days are through
You'll be pleased

I've lived the longest days
Thinking my heart would soon be had
Too scared to look in your face
Oh, if only I had

[Bridge:]
And is it alright
If I stay here all night
By the shoreline

[Chorus:]
I cannot believe you are angry or unjust
You've done nothing but have compassion on us
So be near me when I've given up
Be near me

I'm just like everyone else
We are all hiding
Acting like I have a wealth
Of knowledge and peace

But all I've ever wanted
And what men have given their lives for
Is a God who understands my weaknesses
A God that I can love

[Bridge]

[Chorus]

I believe you are good and righteous
You've given me your reckless love
So be near, be near...

These are the lyrics to Be Near Me by Bethany Dillon (with changes I make in my head when I hear it)...I've been listening to it on repeat this month, and I am so grateful that people out there are blessed to write music from the heart for God.

See, I am almost 26 and I am still single. I am in the middle of the desert and the chances of getting married this year..or next year for that matter...are pretty low. Not a big deal, unless you know me and know that all I ever claim to have wanted is to be a wife and mother. Some days, especially lately, out here in the midst of unbelievable loneliness, it's hard to believe that God really is as good as He claims to be in the Bible. But I love this song, because it rings to the heart of that crisis...because all God has done for me is give me grace and compassion.

I know that no matter what happens I have God's compassion and that He is with me. I am not alone in the middle of this desert and I will never be alone, even if I move to a foreign country and leave all my friends and family behind.

At almost 26, it's time to actually look at things and realize what it is I am after...because it's not marriage. If I wanted to get married, I could go out to clubs, or go to online dating sites, I could call old friends or manipulate situations...but see, what I'm really after is a God I love. I want His glory and will not settle for less than His best for me.

God's best doesn't always mean my happiness, or freedom from pain. That's not how God roles...See God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to bear the weight of sin (and in fact become sin) for me. Jesus came and did that out of love and He died for it. My pain is nothing compared to that agony...But God in His goodness, revived Jesus and now Jesus has right to lay any and all sin on his death, giving those who give up their sin, a free ride into Heaven.

As one who has laid my sin at Christ's feet, I now have the joy and privilege of sharing what He has done with the world...and one way in doing that is by sharing in Christ's suffering

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer." 

- 2 Cor 1:3-6

I do not always get sunshine and roses, because Jesus didn't and He wants to save and comfort as many as possible before His triumphant return...and how can I comfort, and why would I comfort, unless I understood the pain. 

And hey, the pay off is out of this world!

Status Quo...

I have been wanting to write a post about this for a while, but haven't had time. I don't even know what to say, or where to start...so I guess I'll start here...

"The status is not quo" - Dr. Horrible

I know, ridiculous quote...but hang with me for a minute...as Christians, we should be fighting to be set apart...we should not accept the status quo, because it isn't really the status quo, baby. God gave us a different standard to abide by!

One thing that I feel Christians have settled for media's status quo and  drives me absolutely up a wall is when we do not respect our men enough to call them MEN. A man has responsibility and authority and boys need help wiping their nose. Men are strong and can be turned to for help in hard things. If you know someone who has authority and you call on them for help in a hard thing. I challenge you to call them a man (to their face and when you talk about them to others)....Love builds up  (1 Cor. 8)...

I heard a story once of a couple who got in a HUGE argument, and the wife yelled "I don't want you to be one of those men who....(continue rant for several minutes)" and then the wife went to her room and slammed the door. A few minutes later the husband opened the door and simply said "Thank you for calling me a man"

Not all men care what title you give them...but enough do. So why wouldn't you take the time to cover your bases and make a difference where one can be made?

No, men do not always make the choices we would like them to as women...but that can go both ways sister. You still want your man to call you beautiful even if you choose to wear sweat pants and skip the shower for the day....because you are....they are still men even when they do dangerous or ridiculous things...right?

 Any way, thanks for listening. I would love to hear what other things you think we are missing the mark in and probably haven't even thought about...

Suffocating

"You must  You must think I'm strong To give me what I'm going through Well, forgive me Forgive me if I'm wrong But this looks like more than I can do On my own I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be I give up I'm not strong enough Hands of mercy won't you cover me Lord right now I'm asking you to be Strong enough Strong enough For the both of us" - Mattew West


"When I am weak, then I am strong" - The Apostle Paul

I sometimes feel like I am suffocating for no apparent reason. It's an overwhelming feeling, that is very much associated to panic and anxiety. It stems from my past...being sexually abused in preschool, sexually assaulted in 8th grade and then raped my sophomore year of high school.

I struggle with fear of my physical safety and that fear manifests itself physically all too often. As a child, I ran to my daddy's arms for safety, but could never stay there, and now am too far away to even try and there is no one here to hold me when I'm scared...and I can't feel God's arms.

I struggle with anxiety and it comes with a price...I struggle with an eating disorder. One I've never told anyone about, because I fear what people would do if they knew.

A friend posted about her eating disorder a while ago, and I admired her boldness and felt challenged to be bold myself. 


Please pray for me. 

I recently moved, and this move has not really made it worse, but it, and my trip to Japan this summer has made me much more aware of how much control I try to keep from God. When I am afraid, (which is most of the time, and more so now that I live 800 miles away from all I've ever known and have a high stress job), I react most often with sin. I choose to control my food instead of running to God, or I run to God but do not leave my fears completely at his feet and then go and control my food.

Bulimia is not something one can just walk away from, and it's a battle I'm in the midst of. For some reason, I do not see myself the way God does. I see an ugly, over weight, inhuman tool for the use and aid of actual human beings. I am sure these lies stemmed from my abuse in preschool, but knowing that hasn't changed their power over me.

"I can do all things Through Christ who gives me strength And I don't have to be Strong enough Strong enough I can do all things Through Christ who gives me strength And I don't have to be Strong enough Strong enough" -Matthew West

I am fighting the lies Satan has been telling me my whole life, and I am learning that I don't have to be self-sufficient (self sufficient is just another word for prideful...and "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall."). I am also trying to  learn to trust what I cannot feel...and that is the truth that God will keep me safe. I do not need your pity, or concern, but I do ask for your awareness and your prayer. If you have any good verses about security in God, or ways you feel, physically feel, safe with God, please let me know. 

I am also here if you have any questions about eating disorders, or any similar topic (I also have a past with self-injury). I want to be a resource for those who don't understand, so they can help others in their struggle.

Thanks for your time.