Question for you:

I will turn 27 this month. I am still single, I have no children and I am a professing Christian. I don't want to be single, I want to get married and spend the rest of my life being a wife and mother. That's it. My life goal summed up in that. Some of you may think that's a horrible dream, and those of you living it know it's no small feat. But unlike other dreams mine isn't something I can just go chase, it requires a man....

So how exactly do I achieve my dream?

I would love some feedback.

I am not an internet dating type, so please don't suggest it. My technological capabilities are slim to nil and I prefer to marry someone I've known for years.

As a Christian woman in a conservative church, this is a tricky task, and being in an almost no singles church it's even harder. And when you think about the number of Christian men to Christian women, it's clear that there aren't enough men to go around.

...So do I continue to wait and do my very best to kill this dream so as not to grow more bitter each year?

...Do I marry a non believer?

...Do I move to be with more men my age?

I know I'm not the only girl in this boat, and I know that there are those of you out there who have thoughts and advice. Bring it on.

Certainty and Snake Bites...

***Sorry about the purple...something weird happened as I was typing and this was the fix***


Since this season has been a really difficult one for me I decided to pull out a Bible study I did a few summers ago on the names of God and go through it again. I thought it would be good to reorient my heart around who God is and then it will fall into place who I am, and how things are and will be. If you've talked to be about the Bible for even 15 seconds you will know that I LOVE the old testament. I could read Deuteronomy, Joshua, Isaiah, Genesis etc., over and over and over. I actually do reading plans in order to get myself into the new testament...I know that's backwards...but you wouldn't love me if I was like everyone else ;)


The new testament is actually much more important to read, though, don't get me wrong. While the old testament has the history and the stories it only has shadow and glimpses of the real amazing story, the GOSPEL!


But for the people who only read the new testament, you miss out on some amazing things, some deep understandings and foreshadowing. In my study this week, we talked about how God has the name of Yahweh Rophey (LORD Healer)...and aptly timed lesson, and a really good reminder for me. The author (Mary A. Kassian) asked us to read Numbers 21:4-9...and I was blown away (again) by this story...


"From Mount Hor they set out by the way to the Red Sea, to go around the land of Edom. And the people became impatient on the way. And the people spoke against God and against Moses, “Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no food and no water, and we loathe this worthless food.” Then the Lord sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people, so that many people of Israel died. And the people came to Moses and said, “We have sinned, for we have spoken against the Lord and against you. Pray to the Lord, that he take away the serpents from us.” So Moses prayed for the people. And the Lord said to Moses, “Make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole, and everyone who is bitten, when he sees it, shall live.” So Moses made a bronze serpent and set it on a pole. And if a serpent bit anyone, he would look at the bronze serpent and live." - Numbers 21:4-9 (ESV)


Did you catch it?  Read it again...


No really, go back and read it again...


Ok. I'll be more specific, because there was A LOT to catch from those 5 verses. I will point 2 BIG things (and set aside so much more...maybe for another post).


1. The people asked Moses to pray to God to take away the serpents....and God doesn't.
            - The Holy God of the universe, who has stated that these are HIS chosen people, doesn't take away these serpents that are KILLING his people...even after they repent of their sin. 
            - In our world those who confess to know Jesus still often have the misunderstanding that if things are hard, it'd because you sinned and once you repent it will get better. This is truly sometimes the case...but not always. Satan lives in this world. He was cast out of Heaven, the great serpent, and he's pissed! He's going to be going after us and sometimes it will have nothing to do with our own sin, and more to do with our destruction (or his hopes for our destruction).


2. See God didn't take away the serpents, but He also didn't leave them there, dying...Instead he gives them something to look at that heals them. It doesn't stop them from being bitten, or rescue them from their suffering...but it was high and lifted up, for all to see, and have the choice to look at and live.
            - This is a foreshadowing of the cross. Jesus was high and lifted up so that those who choose to look on him will be healed. If we call on Jesus we will not face the sting of death...we will still hurt and be "bitten", but it doesn't have to determine whether we live or die.


"In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]" - John 16:33 (AMP)


We can choose in our pridefulness or in our unbelief not to turn to Him whose name is LORD Healer and we will face those consequences. We can choose as believers to look at the cross less and less as things are hard and die slowly...


Or we can remember the power of the cross (even when it's all crashing down around us) and remember John 16:33. Jesus has conquered this world. We can be encouraged, cheered, certain, brave, and have confidence. 

Secret Treasures

from Google Images (not my own picture).

Today was a hard day.

                                 This week's been a hard week.

Really, things have just been hard for months and each time I think I've finally got a grasp, it just gets harder. I've cried so much this season, and in the last 2 weeks it's only grown worse. I've spent time in the last few months asking God all the "whys" and the "whens" I can. I've struggled in silence as He has sat holding my hand, but not talking to me. I've fought Him and yelled at Him as He held me close, but did not yield to my demands.

I've been lost, I've been desperate and I've neglected the cross. I know the story in my head, but I stubbornly, and oh so sinfully, have been believing in "Jesus and..."  

Jesus...and a baby for my barren friends.

Jesus...and a wife for many of my guy friends.

Jesus...and a husband for me and my girl friends.

Things kept getting harder and harder and harder...until they finally broke all the lies and landed me back on a solid foundation.

Yesterday a dear child in my life was diagnosed with stage IV Neuroblastoma. Last week I was sitting with her parents when they were told the devastating diagnosis of Cancer. Most people would fail and demand to know where God is in all of it...but though I did get angry, and I still don't understand... 

I know who my God is. 

I know He is GOOD, LOVING, MERCIFUL, POWERFUL. 

I know He is UNCHANGING. And I know 

HE DIED TO SET ME FREE...

and at the end of it all that's all I need. 

If Colorado burns to the ground. If my friends never have babies. If I never ever get married. If everyone suddenly decides to stop being my friend and I am all alone...I'm still not all alone and I have a hope that no one and nothing can take from me.

True, I have a God I can ask for good things from (and He wants me to ask these things), but at the end of the day I need to know what my God really has to offer, and it isn't just stuff...I have a hidden treasure, and an undying hope.

Today as I was talking on the phone outside I saw another hummingbird. I see hummingbirds all the time out here...Small animals, powerful, and awe inspiring. God created them to remind me of His glory (well not just me), but I cannot look at one without thinking of God and His Splendid Majesty. 

I am under a wing much larger and much more stable...God is my Treasure, the darkness cannot win. Even though sometimes it feels like it. In the darkness, in the shadows it can feel like He's small and like He's losing the battle and I will soon be crushed. But I just have to remember that sometimes that shadow is just his wing...and man, his wings are big!! And that wing shelters me from the fiery arrows just as much as they do from the fullness of His own splendor. He protects me from anything I cannot bear.

These trials I am going through, the pain my friends are experiencing. They are good. They are enough, not too much...and we will all come out on the other side stronger and with bigger faith. And while things will still suck, bug decisions will have to be made, prayers may still seem to go unheard, and it all may seem unbearably hard... 

My God's got me and He will not leave me nor forsake me.

Masks

...I am a master of masks. I love them and relish the security and control I find in being behind one. 


I have many, but my favorite, the one I wear most often is 

"the cheerleader". 

When I wear this mask,
               I am enthusiastic, 
                           encouraging and                                                  supportive. 


It's who I would be if I weren't a wreck...so it's who I pretend to be when I am. It's the character quality people comment on most about me. In fact "the cheerleader" is people's favorite thing about me...and I am a people pleaser to the core. 


Besides (Who wants to see me cry anyway?)


These masks are great... but sometimes things get hard. Real hard. and I need support, I need more. I need someone to hold me like they'll never let go and let me cry. 


Sometimes my mask adds to my suffocation (and maybe even my hearing problem)...but I'm too scared to let go. 


If I'm not the cheerleader...who am I? (And how will crying fix anything anyway?)


My last 2 posts have been a vain effort to convince myself of real actual Truth, and to put on a face for those around me, so they won't see how deep those struggles actually go.


I've been fighting silence, lies, demons, flashbacks and identity issues to no avail. The truth is that I am not what I pretend to be and I desperately want to be. I am trying to kill dreams and find freedom from my chains and despite it all I've gotten more tangled. The truth is that I am a useless wreck in a place and time where it's not safe to be one.


This "beautifully protected" princess, is really an ugly, exposed and rejected beggar. I am on guard all the time, waiting for it all to fall apart, or for the imminent assault (either will confirm my fears)...and 
                I am exhausted from it. 


So, there's the truth. 


Would you please pray for me? 


Pray that I would be able to take off this mask...That I would find a safe place to do so and that I would hear from God, and see and believe the Truth I need and that He would fix me. Pray for the tears, for the battle of overcoming fears and unbelief, and please pray for the safe shoulder for me to cry on...they're aren't many available in this desert. 

Confession...

It's after 11pm and I am sitting alone in a mostly dark house. I turn 26 next week and I am still single...and I am a hypocrite.

I have a dear (amazing, intelligent, compassionate and beautiful) friend who believes she cannot/will not ever get married. She believes this because she has been told by the world that it is so. I of course being on the outside, know that the world is stupid and those are all ridiculous lies (and I will be there at her wedding with bells on and the biggest smile in the room, proving the world it's worthless and wrong)...

But at the very same time I believe in her so much, I doubt myself more. I have spent the last year trying to kill within myself the one and only dream I've ever really had, because I've been told I am less than desirable.

I long to be a wife and mother, and I don't know how to stop wanting that..and I don't know how to see God's Truth in the battle.

I believe the world, and each day the world is proven true I bite on the lie a little bit more. I know I don't deserve a husband. I am not worthy of love...but that's what Jesus died for. He is where my worth comes from...He is where my beauty and purity comes from. The world tells me I am too ugly, too fat, too stupid, too sick, too broken....in essence, too worthless...God tells me He made me whole again, gave me an immeasurable worth, that He will give me wisdom and that He will heal me.

I don't need to be loved by any man, I am loved by the King of Kings and the Creator of the stars.

I have been struggling so much with this month, because it marks another lonely year past and in all reality, another to come...but see, that's just a lie. The God of Heaven is with me right now, and I will never be alone. When I think about the Creator of the stars giving His own life up, just so we can be together in Heaven...it's a pretty silly sounding lie.

Silence

I have dreams. 
                 I have hopes.
                                     I have desires and longings. 
I have prayers and requests.


I also have an intercessor who speaks to the Lord and Creator of the universe on my behalf. 


I am blessed.   


Lately, though, I have not been hearing back. 
                                             All that has been coming from God is...silence.


I don't do silence. 


                    I have a noise maker on as I sleep. 
                                     I have music on as I drive.
I have a movie on in the background right now. 


I am struggling in this silence, but the truth is that I am still being heard...

"Know that the LORD has set apart his faithful servant for himself;

the LORD hears when I call to him."

-Psalm 4:3

"In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly." -Psalm 5:3

"You, LORD, hear the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry," -Psalm 10:7

Yet, despite being heard, and despite sincere cries for mercy, healing,  guidance and love...silence. I am baffled. So when I am baffled, I turn to my resource to Heaven, Life and God's glory, and I found this...

"keep yourselves in God’s love 

as you wait for the mercy 

of our Lord Jesus Christ 

to bring you to eternal life." 

- Jude 1:21

So, if you think of it...pray for me that I would keep myself in God's love as I wait for mercy and for Heaven. Pray that I would be able to let go of my dreams and open my ears and hands to all that God has in store. This is a hard season and I want to finish strong.

Decade...

It's February 14th. To most Americans that simply means Valentine's Day...or Single Awareness Day to the more cynical. I've always thought it was a rather silly holiday. If you love someone you should tell and show them that more than just one special day each year. Call me cynical, unromantic, lame, whatever, but Valentine's Day has always been slightly nauseating to me.

Ten years ago, though, February 14th became something more to me, and I will never be the same.

I was raped.

The details don't matter. It just matters that it happened. I am still broken. It's been an entire decade and I still don't feel safe, or whole. I was robbed that night, and I may never get back what was lost...at least not on earth...

But God promises blessing. A friend posted about this song on her blog and I am so grateful she did, because I needed it right about now... here's the line that hits my heart...

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

(Sara Groves "Open My Hands")

I don't know why I am one of the ones who has to know this agonizing pain...but I do know that I am not alone in it. So many of the women I know have it. God didn't allow it to break me beyond repairing,  to spite me, or to turn me into an unlovable shell.

Make no mistake, God allowed it, and He allowed it for my good and for my salvation. I am His beautifully protected one, and I was being protected even that day. He withholds no good thing from us, and for me it was good...God's definition of good, not man's...And one day I will be blessed and healed. One day He will hold me and I will finally feel safe again and He will wipe every tear from my eye.

I wanted to write this to remind those of you out there that this happens. It happens to good people and bad people, to people who love Jesus and people who never will. But it happens all the time and it doesn't mean God is less good or less sovereign. It just means He has that much more to fix. Adam and Eve caused this when they chose to disobey God and use their free will for selfish gain. But one day He will make it right. He started with the cross (the highest price one could ever pay) and will finish with a triumphant return and a big feast for all who believe on His name.

I am His and He is mine. I do not deserve His good or His healing, but I have it, simply because He is Good and He is LOVE...my pain is real and is hard, but is not disqualifying. I still get Heaven. What pain are you experiencing? What rewards are there for you in it?

I am here if you have questions, or need to talk. It's a weighty topic, that isn't discussed much...and it's one Christians especially need to understand...though I wish no one did.