Black hole hugs...

There are several things I am not good at...one is change, especially when it's a black hole situation (i.e. I know things are changing, but do not know what's going to happen). I have not yet mastered the art of submitting to Christ in these situations and still being active in decisions.

I am currently in the middle of one of these times, and am struggling. I may be moving in just over a month, or I may be moving mid August. I don't know what's going to happen, but I have to actively make decisions and let people know what's going on. This is frustrating, because I can't actually make any final decisions and can only prepare as best as possible...As I am a control freak, full of fear of the unknown, I over prepare for everything. I am on alert and ready to start packing, and my loved ones are one stand by for my departure.

I feel like there has to be a more calm, and peaceful way to transition and I am prayerful that I will someday learn how to do this.

I know that God will not let me fall. I know I will end up on the other side just fine, and in fact better off...but the in between is absolutely terrifying to me. As I've said before I like to know where I'm putting my foot before I step. In this case, I can see the other side of the tunnel, but God is simply acting as a small flash light through the tunnel to the other side...and I am scared of the dark.

I feel like a small child who needs her daddy to hold her through the scary things. Situations like this one are hard on me as a single woman who feels and interprets the world very strongly through physical touch. I physically need to be held and reminded that this is a safe tunnel to be in, because I am in safe arms. I can hear the verses and I can hear the songs. I can read story after story of God's faithfulness and believe it, but I do not feel peace or reassurance from it. I feel those things from touch.

As a single woman, I do not get this touch as often as I did as a child, and as often as my married/dating friends. I often feel alone and isolated, and it's no one's fault. The church has made boundaries and we simply do not reassure others with touch as much as some need. I completely understand why, because as a touch person, I understand how easily my heart can get involved in someone simply because of their affection...but at the same time, there has to be a balance.

This is why I am thankful for the Holy Spirit in others and for small children. Small children do not care, and they hug me every time I see them. I have gone weeks with my only hugs being from kids, but I have also had brothers in Christ give me hugs at just the right moment, and sisters rub my back exactly when I needed it most. I know that when I've been asking God to come and hold me and one of my Family members responds, the Holy Spirit prompted them to love on me, and it's really God's arms that are holding me...and in this black hole, I really, really need some strong, safe, hug reassurance.