I will turn 27 this month. I am still single, I have no children and I am a professing Christian. I don't want to be single, I want to get married and spend the rest of my life being a wife and mother. That's it. My life goal summed up in that. Some of you may think that's a horrible dream, and those of you living it know it's no small feat. But unlike other dreams mine isn't something I can just go chase, it requires a man....
So how exactly do I achieve my dream?
I would love some feedback.
I am not an internet dating type, so please don't suggest it. My technological capabilities are slim to nil and I prefer to marry someone I've known for years.
As a Christian woman in a conservative church, this is a tricky task, and being in an almost no singles church it's even harder. And when you think about the number of Christian men to Christian women, it's clear that there aren't enough men to go around.
...So do I continue to wait and do my very best to kill this dream so as not to grow more bitter each year?
...Do I marry a non believer?
...Do I move to be with more men my age?
I know I'm not the only girl in this boat, and I know that there are those of you out there who have thoughts and advice. Bring it on.
You are a daughter of God. You are a princess. You are the Bride of Christ because Christ gave Himself as a ransom for you. So God will NOT just allow you to marry some non-Christian guy who doesn't hold a candle to you. 2 Corinthians 6:12-16 says marrying a non-believer is a no-go. Please please do not settle. You are such a strong woman of faith. God is carrying you!
ReplyDeleteIf you believe this is a desire put in your heart by God, if "wife and mother" is who He's calling you to be, don't kill that dream. If you're not sure, ask Him what what He wants your desires to be, and yield your heart to Him to change if this isn't what He wants. (Let Him do the killing if any.)
ReplyDeleteBitterness is not mandatory for the single life. God is good and faithful even to single women. You can think of it as a kind of trial/suffering and apply the verses in the Bible about those things to your situation.
Pray and fellowship with other single women, so that you don't feel alone in your struggles. Encourage each other.
Also, talk to married friends who may not understand how God is working in your life because their struggles are in the context of such different experiences. Try not to get angry when people say insensitive things, discourage your from trusting God, or treat singleness like something you can just choose to end.
Promote the spiritual well-being and happiness of all single men you know, whether they seem to be prospects or not. God commands us to love our neighbors, to esteem them better than ourselves. He does not command us to protect our feelings or avoid pain.
Thank God for the way He's cared for you up until now. Take each day one at a time. (Don't freak out about being 35 someday and single still; focus on being 27 and single, this. one. moment.)
Believe God. Trust His character. Remember your own unworthiness - the blessing and calling of marriage are not earned or accomplished. (Women who are married aren't more deserving than those who aren't...) But prepare. Stay available for God to grant your desires. Shun sin. Obey God in the other details of your life.
I don't think there's a universal rule about moving to the vicinity of more single men... I don't know what to tell you about that. I'd spend time praying about any of the things on my list of requirements, though: One friend said she'd never do a long-distance relationship, but then she did. Another said she wouldn't marry a man in the military, but then she did. One said her man would have to own either a top hat or a fedora; he didn't. But if you have good reasons, knowing yourself and the way God has led you, hold to those... (For example, you are a woman who loves God, who prays, who is involved in ministry; you need a man to lead you spiritually. I doubt that your heart's desire for marriage and motherhood includes union with a man who doesn't understand that significant part of your life and motives. Keep that on your list.)
Are you willing to have friends involved in introducing you to single men they know? Do they know what kind of man you're looking for? How would you like to be introduced?
~ my experience: Thought I could start dating at 17 and get married by 19... 28 years old and counting, never dated; conducting extensive studies in hope. =) My mind has been changed about what I require. I've doubted and been reproved. God has humbled me over the way I think my life should go. He's taught me about grace, prayer, faith, submission, and waiting on Him.
Captivated by hope,
Lisa of Longbourn
I love you, friend! You are not alone and you are not crazy!
ReplyDeleteMy biggest piece of advice for you would be to keep your eyes on God, not on the numbers. (Age, ratios, biological clock countdown). Our God is not a God who follows statistics. :) I could tell you countless stories of couples who God brought together well into their 30s and they are thriving!
With that said, it's hard not to be impatient. But try not to waste your todays. Perhaps a knight in shining armor isn't in the immediate future (or maybe you'll be engaged tomorrow, who knows?) but ask God to give you a hope and a purpose today that is attainable. Sure, you have no kids, but could you spend time "adopting kids" by volunteering in Sunday school or some sort of crisis shelter? (I had no idea how many there were in El Paso until a friend got a job there. They need all the help they can get!)
As far as what to do, pray and seek God. I know wonderful brothers and sisters in your shoes (actually a bit older) and I know they have considered relocating to a bigger ministry area. In the end they didn’t, but I don’t think anyone would have blamed them if they did.
The only red flag I would give you is not to marry an unbeliever. Aside from your relationship with God, your spouse is the biggest factor in your happiness and future. You simply can’t live for God if your man isn’t on board. Shoot for a 10. Don’t compromise on that. Not an inch. It’s easy to compromise when you’re feeling like your options are slim, but it’s not worth it. It will affect EVERYTHING, and you could end up one of those sad cautionary tales in marriage books about how to persevere through an unbelieving (or barely believing) husband.
Just remember, friend. You are loved. God knows your heart. He is not distracted, He is currently involved. I have no idea what He is accomplishing in the waiting, but it’s on purpose. I always imagine God feels much the same way I did when my 2 year old needed a fairly big blood draw. I was watching every second in keen, compassionate interest, but I did not intervene. I saw he was hurting, I wanted to make the pain stop, but I knew it was just what needed to happen. I understood why he had to endure, but there was no way I could explain it to Gideon.
You are a lovely, loveable girl. (I know I don’t know you super well) I can think of no big “deal breaking” characteristic about you that is repelling the man of your dreams. Wait, pray, work on becoming a “10”, and if God tells you to move, you move. But not in fear.
I really appreciate your post, Chelsea. Truly, I do. I love your honesty. Know I'm praying for you. I wish I had some magical advice, but here's a truth: 2 Samuel 10:12 "The Lord will do what is good in his sight." Love you.
ReplyDeleteI agree that you never know what God has in store...including the possibilities of meeting a man via technology who is healthy, sane, attractive and a man who loves Jesus. Stranger things have happened. strive to abide. Waiting is hard, but being in an unequally yoked marriage is harder. I love you, girl and think any man would be beyond blessed to have you a his wife. Thanks for your honesty. If anything, i pray you get encouragement and promises to hold on to, because none of our words will heal the ache. In fact, in the end, no human will heal that ache because no person is perfect, but our sweet Jesus. Take a breath. Do the next right thing... (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI'm not a single lady, but I am single.
ReplyDeleteI would say the best thing to do is follow God. If you feel marriage is something He wants for you, then don't let go of it. If not, He has something better in store for you. If you feel He's leading you toward moving or any other particular direction, follow Him: He's trustworthy. I would even say to follow if He seems to be directing you toward a non-believer. That's the only circumstance where I'd say it's okay to marry a non-believer, but it does happen. One of my aunts, my mother's sister, felt God leading her to a relationship with a non-Christian man and was criticized by her family for being unequally yoked. But either before they were married or shortly thereafter God used the relationship to bring about my uncle's salvation. If she hadn't been willing to follow God into unusual circumstances, he would never have known Christ. So the most important thing is to follow Him!
Also, don't lose hope or feel too much time crunch. My mother didn't marry until her late thirties...then she married a godly young man who'd been her friend for years and together they had and raised, and put through college three children.