Masks

...I am a master of masks. I love them and relish the security and control I find in being behind one. 


I have many, but my favorite, the one I wear most often is 

"the cheerleader". 

When I wear this mask,
               I am enthusiastic, 
                           encouraging and                                                  supportive. 


It's who I would be if I weren't a wreck...so it's who I pretend to be when I am. It's the character quality people comment on most about me. In fact "the cheerleader" is people's favorite thing about me...and I am a people pleaser to the core. 


Besides (Who wants to see me cry anyway?)


These masks are great... but sometimes things get hard. Real hard. and I need support, I need more. I need someone to hold me like they'll never let go and let me cry. 


Sometimes my mask adds to my suffocation (and maybe even my hearing problem)...but I'm too scared to let go. 


If I'm not the cheerleader...who am I? (And how will crying fix anything anyway?)


My last 2 posts have been a vain effort to convince myself of real actual Truth, and to put on a face for those around me, so they won't see how deep those struggles actually go.


I've been fighting silence, lies, demons, flashbacks and identity issues to no avail. The truth is that I am not what I pretend to be and I desperately want to be. I am trying to kill dreams and find freedom from my chains and despite it all I've gotten more tangled. The truth is that I am a useless wreck in a place and time where it's not safe to be one.


This "beautifully protected" princess, is really an ugly, exposed and rejected beggar. I am on guard all the time, waiting for it all to fall apart, or for the imminent assault (either will confirm my fears)...and 
                I am exhausted from it. 


So, there's the truth. 


Would you please pray for me? 


Pray that I would be able to take off this mask...That I would find a safe place to do so and that I would hear from God, and see and believe the Truth I need and that He would fix me. Pray for the tears, for the battle of overcoming fears and unbelief, and please pray for the safe shoulder for me to cry on...they're aren't many available in this desert.